Josh: 5 Microwaves: 0

There are some victories that are epic, and some victories that prove a person is cursed. For example, the Colt's victory over the Texans a few weeks ago after the QB went rogue. Huge. Epic. Well, I'm sad to say that today I've continued the winning tradition and have had an epic win that will inevitably me into the record as a one-man dynasty.

That victory was an easy win over a clearly impotent opponent: the microwave.

Now, I'm sure you're thinking that I've maybe learned how to use it, or that I've been able to set the blinking clock, or that maybe I've perfected the amount of time it takes to cook normal items. Well, it's a much greater, and far more unfortunate victory than that. My winning record started as a child, and today it's come full circle. Let's start with a little bit of history:

Sometime in my young childhood, when I was far too young to actually know how to cook by myself but old enough to use the microwave, I decided that a bowl of Chex Mix sounded great. Normally, a person would prepare this wonderful blend of Chex and mix with butter, in an oven. Being a relatively logical, however inexperienced young person, I decided to take the quick and easy route to preparing a snack. This turned out to be a fiery disaster. And by fiery, I do mean fiery. There was fire. In the microwave. I about destroyed my house. Fortunately my parents caught on before it got out of control.

The second time was a bit less of an explosive victory. The microwave simply stopped working as I used it.

Microwave number three decided it could achieve victory. It almost did, as the bacon I was cooking somehow magically began sparking and exploding. Yes, that's right, electrified and explosive bacon. We were fortunate enough to turn it off before it got too out of hand, and microwave three's attempt at victory ended with a silent pull of a plug.

Four, much like three, was an electromagnetic mess. In a turn of fortune, the microwave actually malfunctioned because my defenses were dropped. Thinking my victories complete, I accidentally placed a stick of butter in the microwave, forgetting that the shiny white paper is actually a nice metal sheathe.

Five happened tonight, extending the victories to one stage too far, but predictably in my favor. After being banned for life from my mother's microwave, I filled the house with smoke, in a failed attempt at cooking popcorn. Microwave number five, it was a good fight, but let your yellow stained interior, and your charred cooking plate be a lesson: my victory is complete. I don't mean to keep beating you so handily. I'm not trying, and I hope you can accept my apologies. It just... well... I'm cursed you see. If I touch you, you're going to lose. We may not even be engaged in a battle, but you'll be defeated if I get close.

So, what I mean to say, is that we may have to end our relationship dearest. Gone are the days of easy burritos, popcorn, and a quick cup of hot chocolate my friend. Here, you and I shall part ways. In April, my wife will be your only remaining friend and I will go my own way. Treat her well, my friend, much better than I've treated you.